Dear Auntie Mac,

My husband and I are unemployed at the moment, and like many people, we’re spending time on social media. I’ve connected with lots of old friends who I haven’t heard from in years, as has my husband. One of his new contacts, however, makes me a little nervous – his first “true love”. They communicate online quite a lot it seems, as he relays the various subjects they’ve covered daily, and I feel a little “left out” and a little jealous. He has even reverted to referring to her with the term of endearment he used in high school, “Sweet Pea”. Should I be concerned? Or am I being ridiculous?

#overlyanxioustimes

My Dear Neighbor:

Auntie Mac is of two minds on this complex and thorny issue, which given our current circumstances is in itself surprising since she often believes she’s misplaced the one mind she was born with. But let us venture forth, carefully, into this minefield strewn with uncertainty, nostalgia, and unspoken dissatisfactions.

First, let’s look at the lay of the land, shall we? We’re all confined to our spaces, deprived of much of the contact we did not know we so badly craved, where a trip to the transfer station is transformed into a grand and daring outing. As you have discovered, social media can connect you not merely with old friends, but with the actual past and the people and places you shared with them.  These ghosts of our childhood know things that our spouses can never know—the smell of your mother’s kitchen, the sound of the pile drivers in the river at night–and these renewed connections we are now cultivating bring to mind the passion and enthusiasm of youth—we travel back in time before children, financial problems, and middle age to a time of freedom, optimism, and more energy.

The mutual recalling of past events and places that two people shared long ago is a balm to the soul, and it is no wonder that your husband treasures these jaunts down memory lane with someone from his past. But this is where the thicket begins to close in, for romantic connections, although long severed, are never eliminated.

It is impossible to say—although not prohibitive to ponder: has the magnifying glass of the pandemic enlarged your husband’s interest in nostalgic spelunking, or was the first love destined eventually to make an appearance? (At this juncture Auntie Mac would like to point out that it might have been more helpful if she’d been known as “Old Horse Face” or “Butterfingers,” but even still, the reversion to pet names is indeed troubling.) This is where some hard work on both your parts must come in.

What she recommends, dear, is that since time is indeed on everyone’s side these days, you two should have a long and very frank conversation about how you’ve both been feeling since the pandemic and its attendant regulations began. Expect to talk about any unhappiness that may have been seeping into your relationship. You must be honest about your feelings regarding this new on-line relationship; feelings are perfectly permissible to have, whether or not the other person thinks you should have them. He needs to know what you think so he can take steps, if he chooses, to address that. The same goes for him. These will be difficult conversations. Dissatisfaction that didn’t have words previously will now have names. The names these days of some of these dissatisfactions are stress, fear, frustration, boredom, money problems, job troubles, or other family concerns. These are some of the things that send partners trotting off into the past, hoping for some form of escape from the demands of life. The old flame seems to be a beacon of deliverance. That deliverance is short-lived, however, and can lead instead towards rocky shores. This is not a question of mistrust or fidelity. You must both, in these uncertain times, be each other’s beacon and gently encourage each other to explore past friendships while guiding each other away from dangerous waters that may well pull you both under.

Your Auntie Mac