Dear Auntie Mac,

I have a Christmas etiquette question: is re-gifting acceptable?

One of Santa’s Elves

My Dear Neighbor:

The holidays are a time for expressing affection and gratitude to those around us, whether by invitations to a meal, helpful services performed, or tangible gifts that we believe the recipient would like or appreciate. The key to all gift-giving of whatever dimension is the demonstration that the recipient, not the giver, is at the heart of the transaction. For many of us it’s true that giving gifts, whether on prescribed occasions or impulsively, brings us just as much joy as receiving them. We should not, however, allow this personal joy to supersede the purpose of the act. That said, Auntie Mac is in no way inclined to find fault with someone who, upon receiving a perfectly fine Atelier Saint-André Perrin serving tray from Cousin Florence and can see no possible use for it at home but knows her dear friend has always been mad for that particular marbled motif, decides that it would make a lovely Christmas (or birthday) gift. The key here is the thought and care that goes into the redistribution of these items, and so, several ground rules must be adhered to. First, ensure that you are most certainly not giving the item back to the person from whence it came. Friendships and families have been shattered for less. The gift should by all means never have been displayed or used by you, at least that the recipient would know about. (Auntie Mac realizes that she is tiptoeing into the realm of subterfuge, here, but re-gifting does require a bit of stealth, cunning, and common sense.) New items, of course (as opposed to antiques and ephemera) should be unused and in their packages. All gifts should be in excellent condition and wrapped nicely–by you, not the former giver. A gift should never be given solely because you want it out of your sight—there should be a genuine desire to present the recipient with something that you feel they would appreciate. Or find amusing. Or need right away, since they keep borrowing your old one.
Auntie Mac has never seen the need to hang onto items that one would never use, with two exceptions. One is the self-evident jumbo wall hanging of a boa constrictor one’s father-in-law sent you from his sojourn to Maracaibo and expects to see it proudly displayed each time he visits. (It is then permissible to lock it up in the attic for the remaining 51 weeks of the year.) The other is based on pure affection and memory. The 17th Earl of Derby, a friend of my grandfather’s, bequeathed to him an engraved pocket watch which he presented to me on my 18th birthday. I have never carried a pocket watch on my person (and it is rather busy—all those fleur-de-lis), but out of love for my grandfather I will not part with it.
So to sum up, dear, things should be used, and it’s a kindness to pass them on to those we think would appreciate them . . . far more than we apparently do.

Your Auntie Mac