Dear Auntie Mac,

A neighbor recently gave my cell phone number to someone we don’t know who wanted to tell us how much she enjoyed our Christmas lights.  A nice enough message, but when did this become acceptable? My neighbor became prickly when I objected, and lectured me on the need to communicate with one another because of Covid. Am I wrong? Is it all right now to provide someone’s contact information without their permission? Has the pandemic changed that rule, too?

Very Private People

My Dear Neighbor:

We are confronting multiple etiquette demons here, and from several corners. But first please accept Auntie Mac’s congratulations on what apparently was a fabulous holiday display—another of the many attributes for which Hamptonites are renowned. Indeed, they have caught the attention of a well-meaning passerby who seemed to forget how to write a short personal note and put it in your mailbox or hand it to your neighbor. Also apparently dismissed was the possibility of actually getting out of the car and seeing if you were home, to express bedazzlement in person. Quite probably, the stranger is like many of us these days, who are so attached to our electronic devices that we forget that not only are there other methods of acceptable communication, the reaching out by phone to a stranger is seen by the recipient as a much more alarming invasion of privacy than in previous eras.

It has been, for some time, customary for one to be asked if one wished one’s personal information be given to someone not known to one. I’m certain that your neighbor had both the best of intentions and good instincts as to who constituted a “risk” in this situation. It is also quite probably the case that they were delighted that someone wanted to compliment you and felt that if they did not assist, you would never hear from their lips (or keypad) the visitors’ thanks and praise. Auntie Mac hopes that your “objection” was delivered with kindness and tact, and appreciation for your neighbor’s wish to pass along a compliment. If it was not, the “lecture” you received might not have been so much about the need to communicate in the time of COVID as an embarrassed and hurt retreat after being stung by what they thought was a good deed.

So we learn many lessons from this encounter: 1) that strangers still want to let people know they are appreciated when they go above and beyond (in this case vis a vis holiday spirit), 2) that it is probably necessary these days to ask before giving out the personal information of others, 3) that if we put our minds to it we can suggest other ways of communication (see “written notes,” “personal visits,” above, or asking the stranger for their number so you can contact them), and 4) that a kind word, a gesture of appreciation, and a graceful request to please not repeat a well-meaning but potentially intrusive action will go a long way to maintaining the congenial relationship we wish to have with all our neighbors.

Your Auntie Mac