Dear Auntie Mac,

You must be tired of fielding political questions, my apologies, but the last two readers made me feel less alone. The fact is I am alone, a widow with no children, and I’m dreading the holiday season with my relatives because I’m alone in my political opinion too. In 2020, Covid prevented the traditional get-togethers, but in 2016, our Thanksgiving was a disaster – no food fights, but that might have been better than the verbal aggression! No matter the outcome of the election, this Thanksgiving will be worse. Do you have advice on fortifying myself to field the gloating of their victory or the hostility of their defeat? Or should I find another “tribe” who I might not be related to, but maybe have more in common with. At least this year.

Lonely

My Dear Neighbor:

Auntie Mac offers her sincere condolences on the passing of your husband. No matter how much time passes after the loss of a loved one, a certain twinge is felt during the holidays, and no matter how much supportive family or caring friends one has around one, there remains a small vacancy off to the side of any festivity that is difficult to fill. Nevertheless, your issue is one that would persist regardless: the prospect of attending a Thanksgiving family gathering in the company of people whose wildly differing political and social views from yours are giving you, to quote Sherwood Anderson, the pre-event fantods.

The holidays provide us with three alternate states of being: Joy. Obligation. Misery. Often these combine into a hopeless web from which we fear there is no extrication. What a delight it is to see the nieces, nephews and grandchildren. And this may be Aunt Bertha’s last get-together with the whole family. Still, the talk around the table, especially if accompanied by before-dinner aperitifs, can send the most conscientious peacemaker to the fainting couch.

Auntie Mac must confess, dear, that she is extending her answer for the sake of this column, for she is adamant, as she hopes that in your heart of hearts you are too, that one should never put oneself in the path of the oncoming train of guaranteed misery. Depending on one’s constitution, one may elect to verbally slug it out with the least palatable relatives even before the creamed onions make it around the table. In that case, one accepts the family invitation and steels oneself for a tasty battle. I sense, however, that you wish to avoid such shenanigans at all costs. If there is an obligation to be considered, Aunt Bertha or otherwise, by all means go and spend all your time with her; if she’s one of the relatives who is oblivious to your feelings, however, and likes to join in the sentiment you find appalling, decline the invitation, send her a nice card, and visit her some other time (in the very near future). If you have your heart set on seeing the younger family members, sit at the children’s table and devote your attention to them.

Your letter, however, provides the answer you would really rather receive, and that is to host a holiday celebration yourself for people with whom you have much in common and around whom you feel comfortable, and loved. Auntie Mac finds that many people are eager to find a like-minded group with whom to spend the holidays, either because relatives are far away, or relatives are, frankly, unenjoyable companions. Even if some friends have obligations elsewhere, you will be surprised at how eager they are to enjoy a second dinner (or dessert) with you–someone they truly care about. And if friends invite you to be part of their own family celebration, do not, I repeat do not, think they are doing so out of pity. I assure you that the most enjoyable thing about Thanksgiving is sharing it with others; you will do both yourself, and them, a great favor.

Your Auntie Mac