Dear Auntie Mac,

Do you have any good ideas on how to convince an elderly parent to give up her car keys? My gentle suggestions have been met with utter resistance, but this last week, I white-knuckled as a passenger in my mother’s car. She shouldn’t be on the road, but has absolutely no understanding of that.

Please Help

My Dear Neighbor:

In Auntie Mac’s many, many (has she mentioned “many?”) years on this planet, witnessing all manner of diplomatic scuffles, cross-border talks, and inter-kingdom compromises, she has yet to find a subject so emotionally charged, and participants so unwilling to move from their position, as can be seen when one’s right to drive is at stake. Seldom have heels been driven so far into the ground, reasonable safety-related justifications been ignored, and invectives been so freely hurled, as when a person is faced with the possibility that the mechanism by which they practice their very independence is about to be taken away. Your mother may be more aware of her decline in compensatory driving skills than you believe she is, but admitting this is to conjure the spectre we all do our level best every day to avoid—sometimes to our own detriment. Some people are forced to give up driving because of a sudden medical condition, or an eyesight issue, or other unique ailment that is, to be sure, disheartening. But the fact that one’s age, and its attendant capability-robbing traits, is the sole factor, reminds one that the tall gentleman in the long black overcoat awaits just around the corner. To surrender one’s keys, then, is to practically march up to him and say “Nice scythe. Shall we get on with it, then?” Best to “rage, rage against the dying of the light”—even if it is still red but you think it’s green and end up wrapping yourself around a telephone pole.

If you have, as you say, tried to talk to your mother about your concerns for her safety, as well as the safety of her potential unwitting victims, and she maintains that nothing is wrong, make an appointment with her doctor for her—fibbing about the reason if you must—speaking with him/her ahead of time regarding your concerns. A physician may revoke a person’s license if they feel there is a medical, or gerontology-related, need to do so. A doctor’s explanation also may carry a bit more weight than a child’s (yes, you’re still her child to her). You may also enlist the assistance of your entire family as well as her friends and those poor souls whom she might consider her “carpool,” to tell her that they will no longer ride in a car with her if she is driving. But above all, dear, remain kind, and understanding, and empathetic; picture for a moment the amount of life story your mother has lived—and lived for you– because of a car—as have we all. To surrender that gracefully takes no small amount of courage. Assure her that a long life still awaits her—with significantly fewer dents, bruises, and white knuckles all the way round.

Your Auntie Mac